Posts Tagged ‘zombies’

This time it’s the Mayans lack of foresight in extending their calendar that is causing consternation. It has been nearly two years since the last end of the world after all…

Russian government ministers have issued re-assuring messages, Bugarach in France has banned travellers to the UFO garage that could save the faithful.

Meanwhile in Oz, when they’re not calling up the NHS…

I am of course certain it is yet more religious ignorance writ large. The only end of the world we are witnessing is the gradual slide into a new dark ages as religion, extremism, ignorance and over population condemn the planet to a slow painful extinction.

So certain in fact, that if the sky pixie peddlars are right and it’s the second coming/end of calender/Ragnarök (delete as applicable) and I’m wrong and the world does in fact end I will buy every reader a pint at the winchester tavern

Last orders please…

Just so you know how long you have…

mmmm brains..... nom nom

Brains nom nom nom....

Leicester Council have had an FOI request for the plans to deal with zombies. Apparently a worried member of the public has forced Leicester City Council to admit it is unprepared for a zombie invasion.

Really? A worried member of the public? More likely someone with a sense of humour I suspect.

I would also suspect that Leicester is more prepared than they give themselves credit for. Zombie infestation could be dealt with with a combination of responses. First up is an evacuation of the effected area, an event which any Emergency Planning Unit should already have some rudimentary plans for. Although in reality most people “self evacuate” (and no, I do not mean shit themselves). Emergency accomodation is a staple of local authority EPUs and is exercised regularly. Contagion should be treated where possible and modified influenza type plans could be used to effect here. Where there is no known treatment then existing liasion with the Military can be used to great effect to “deal” with the infected.

So as you can see although somewhat frivolous at first glance, dealing with zombies could have been an excellent opportunity to look at existing emergency plans and how they compliment each other. After all no incident ever runs to text book predicitions, encouraging lateral thinking and improvisation are often key to dealing with any incident. If only Leicester had a more flexible mindset and possibly more of a sense of humour they could have made good use of this request!

For those in the Cleveland area don’t worry. Can’t really tell you any more than that. But zombies aren’t an issue…after all we’re used to dealing with Port Clarence, how hard can zombies be?

I haven’t posted in a while as to be honest I’ve been feeling a bit apathetic about, well, pretty much the world. Nothing changes. Not one thing, and I’m getting convinced nothing will.

Vested interests will conitnue to lobby the powers that be for their own personal ends, regardless of the consequences for others. Just a brief look at the last few weeks of news should convince anyone of this.

Students rampage on the streets to protest the increase on the ceiling of charges universities are allowed to charge. This has been cited as evidence of the younger generations new activist philosphy. Really? Did they campaign for or against hunting? (which saw 400,000 on the streets of London and the cenotaph somehow managed to remain unsullied), did they campaign against 42 days detention? or ID cards? No, liberty and freedom can go hang. Only once their own personal wallet and right to 3 years pissing up at others expense was under threat did they take the opportunity to smash up some public buildings that we will have to pay for.

In sport the world cup was decided on who has the best prostitues and can supply the sparkliest hotel freebies irrespective of ability to host or human rights. (a small bright light is England tanking the aussies at cricket however!)

The public sector howl with pain at proposed cuts, depsite the fact that a sizeable proportion of them have pay and conditions far in excess of those that must pay for them, without the slightest suggestion of performance monitoring. We can make a reasonable assumption thatit will not be the empire building middle management that should disappear on the B Ark that will be justifiably downsized.

The civvy staff that continue to ruin the MoD with procurement practices that FIFA would describe as a bit iffy remain protected whilst the military face front line cuts and cannot even field a combat air patrol for a fleet (even Thailand can manage that…)

Politicians claim to be leading by example by not even being able to get their expenses audited

Meanwhile the only things the Great British public can get worked up about are the Fix factor, strictly come mincing and why can’t they do 70mph on the estate when it snows?

Seriously, I despair. Bring on the zombies.They can only improve things.

OK the floodgates are open now, it’s election free for all time when dangerous nutters try to get elected. Have they no regard for the consequences of their actions?

Citizens for Undead Rights and Equality (CURE) have launched their manifesto for securing a seat (shouldn’t it be a grave?) in Brighton. All right thinking people should consider membership of a new group The Zombie Abolition Corps, a small but growing band who believe the best place for the dead is either in an urn or 6 feet down, and if necessary are prepared to take action to acheive this. If you, like many others belive this and support the ZACs objectives then consider yourself a founder member of the PROZAC.

Cure’s Manifesto and the PROZAC responses are below

Cure wants to give the undead equal rights to the living
Yep, have to admit I agrree somewhat there, they both have the right to stay dead and lifeless. Anything else though and it’s time to meet mr 12 gauge

Cure wants to make cemeteries more comfortable for its inhabitants
Do zombies need comfort? who will measure this? This sounds suspiciously like another excuse for a publically funded quango designed to stop law abiding citizens exercising their right to dismember, behead and generally put zomies where they belong. Back in the ground

Cure wants to implement a robust social integreation programme for the undead, curing society of its prejudices
How about a robust program for educating the zombies that brains are best left in the head of their owner and are not a staple food stuff? It appears that the best way to educate them on this though, is again, Mr 12 gauge.

Cure wants to increase the minimum statutory retirement age to beyond death
Whilst the current government appears to have taken this approach already, and has a progressive phasing in of a madatory post mortem retirement age, PROZAC thinks that old age should be for lounging about annoying younger non-vitally challenged people, watching reruns of Shawn of the Dead, and practising with your 12 gauge.

Cure wants to permit the marriage of living and the undead
Whilst PROZAC recognises that this has in fact already happened between the living and the brain dead (see Beckhams, Jordan, any X factor contender…) the risk of their offspring becoming mindless drones endlessly conusming daytime TV and chicken nuggets until they inevitably progress to searching for living victims to harvest the brains from is too great. We are already seeing the first stages of this with the offspring drawn to the bright colours of Burberry and preventing their zombie flesh sloughing off by tucking their trousers into their socks. Firearms, training and ammunition should be issued to those who can prove they are truly alive (involving a simple test of asking who are the top 10 most important people in the UK. Anyone who answers with a footballer or Simon Cowell is instantly dismissed from the human race).

PROZAC believes life should be for the living. Brains are a limited resource (in some members of the population very limited) and cannot be spared for the vitally challenged to waste as a food stuff.

PROZAC believes the only good zombie is a dead, dismembered, beheaded and possibly burnt one, whose lifeless corpse has ceased its corrupt anti social rampage of murder and brainlust.

…Although, at least CURE haven’t called any voters bigots yet…

Another academic, this time the author of the Gaia theory, repents and agrees with me that the planet is doomed!

Professor James Lovelock, the scientist who developed Gaia theory, has said it is too late to try and save the planet. Nothing the human race can do will stop the changes happening to the climate. All we can do is learn to cope and enjoy it while we can. So ditch that Prius and get a proper car, don’t bother with kids – in fact you’re being selfish by condemning them to grow up in a world turned to ice/desert and probably ruled by sentient beings evolved from apes who look like Roddy McDowell who’ll take them as their slaves… or maybe zombies. Hopefully zombies. They’re far more fun to run over with my 4×4…